Hallelujah

i was raised in a caldron of passion, hope, despair, guilt and submission called Catholicism. at five i was baptized and told that Jesus had His eyes and His heart fixed on me and would always be with me. by the time i was ten i was a member of a family where alcoholism and sexual abuse dwelt cozily beside classical music, a solid B average, and weekend picnics in the mountains every summer. i graduated from Sunday Mass to evenings beside the record player with Dylan, Young, Mitchell and ...Cohen. Leonard Cohen especially was the perfect soundtrack for my soul: a balanced blend of sadness, torment, wit and romance. at times i remember feeling sometimes like this faraway Canadian was doing Jesus' work; that his eyes were fixed on me even though we'd never met.
i survived my childhood. i survived my adolesence. i continue to survive adulthood, although i suspect it will kill me eventually. some days i land squarely on my feet, unsurprised and mildly encouraged, chewing on an idea or a project that woos me to action. others find me a rolling ball of misplaced feet and elbows, pitching forward out of control downhill to land painfully, all broken bones, tears and exposed nerve endings. this seems to be what we are dealt in this life: one or the other...with the blessed ability, built into our DNA, to forget what one was like when we are in full thrall of the other. no wonder we are all so crazy.
Jesus still looks after me. i recognize Him daily in the beauties around me, the beauties rising up in the midst of ugliness. the moments of laughter and gentleness.the hope. the healing. the forgiveness.the love. but He can be vaporous, this Saviour of mine. He can dissolve between my fingers like mist if i try to predict or define him. i prefer Him this way...His way, not mine...as maddening as He can be. God help us all if He were created in my image and not the other way around.
so i opened my eyes today and the words of Leonard Cohen strolled regally through my mind. a most unlikely disciple of the Lord...but weren't they all? aren't we all?
i change the words a little when i play this song...i hope Leonard would not hold this indulgence against me...i simply can't leave this particular issue to chance, for myself:
(his version) Maybe there's a God above
(my version) i know there's a God above
But all i ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not complaint you hear tonight
Or pilgrim who has seen the light
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah...